Sunday, August 5, 2012

August 5th No-where-ville

Before I went to bed last night I organized all my gear, setting it where I could quickly stuff it in my pack and set my alarm for 5:30am. Sometime between going to sleep last night and the alarm going off this morning something shifted.

It probably started yesterday in my conservations with Chief and Cookie. It seems they have had the experience of coming along an interesting situation, person, town or event and wishing they could stay and have more of the experience, whatever it is. They've written down names of towns they would like to come back to explore but in the same sentence wistfully saying they probably won't get back. Yesterday when coming close to the Fish Lake trail Cookie was plotting how he could leave his pack at the trailhead, run down to the cafe here, have a milk shake and run back, pick up his pack and catch up with Chief. In the next breath he said, "No, I gotta keep my eyes on the prize." And that's it in a nutshell. Motivation and single minded focus is what gets folks from Mexico to Canada in one go.

Clearly these are qualities I don't have, at least as relates to hiking the PCT. This reality has been sneaking up on me for some time now and has been a disappointment to me. On the other hand, I always said from the very beginning that I didn't know if I liked thru-hiking or the IDEA if thru-hiking. Clearly the idea is what interested me, not the reality. The reality is hard, dirty, hot (or cold) and buggy. It's also drop dead gorgeous, fun and empowering, when it is. I guess for me, at least recently, its been more of the former than the latter. Sad to say.

Eight days ago my goal was to walk north for two months, hopefully getting to Canada. Three days ago, as it became clear I wasn't walking fast enough to get anywhere near Canada, my goal switched to walking through Oregon, bussing back to Ashland, picking up my truck and visiting friends in the PNW, folks I hadn't seen in years.

When I woke up this morning I had no desire to put on my pack and walk 15 miles. Zero, zilch, nada. Not one cell in my body was motivated to continue on hiking. My brain tells a story of disappointment and failure but my body says enough. Which part do I listen to?

9 comments:

  1. Don't let the destination rule the journey.

    Which part do you listen to? Listen to them both. They're both part of the same system. But ask them to explain themselves. The one that can't give you a good answer is the one who may be leading you astry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your thoughtful words Boomer. The fact is I know what to do, it's just hard to give up the dream.

      Delete
    2. Maybe you're in a different dream now, Shelly. My vote is to have fun and enjoy it! XO

      Delete
  2. I wish I could lend some insight into your situation. Unfortunately, I have zero experience with thru hiking. I do know that you are and will remain an inspiration to me. You got me moving and that was not an easy task. Whatever you decide to do, you know all of your friends will support it. Life's a journey....enjoy the ride (or in this case, enjoy the hike). Be safe. Have fun.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Pink. No, YOU are an inspiration to me. Your kind words mean a lot to me.

      Delete
  3. I really like what Boomer said and I totally agree with Peggy. It's got to be fun. This trail angel and friend is behind you no matter what!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks steadfast Angel Stacey. I know you got my back bi appreciate it!

      Delete
  4. Brains are known for doing just too darned much thinking! I say: listen to your brain, but follow your heart. You've done so many things around this trip that both amaze and inspire me .. .. ..

    ReplyDelete
  5. A friend of mine posted this today on Facebook. I immediately thought of you. I know you read "The Little Prince"; you recommended it to me. "One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.". ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    ReplyDelete