Three hundred and sixty-five days ago I embarked on a hike
that was to have lasted six months and tallied 2,650 some miles. The hours
since that day have been filled with wonder, hardship, elation and sadness. I
managed to hike <700> miles before I threw in the towel yet since the day
I quit, I have been in a state of confusion. I tried, I really did, to be OK with choosing to stop hiking the trail but somehow or other I just could
never make it stick. Yes, I had nasty blisters; yes, I had some kind of weird
stomach bug; yes, 700 miles is a long way - and a great accomplishment if that was the aim. But my goal was something else and no matter which way I look at
it, I just didn’t make it happen.
Last winter was tough. Aside from my usual lack-of-sun
blues, lurking over my shoulder was this failure. This not-accomplishing of a
dream I have had for more than ten years. Why wasn’t I able to stay on the
trail? Am I not tough enough to struggle through the hard times to make
something extraordinary happen? Where did my will power go? I’ve managed to
live through 60 years of life…what did I do wrong?
Too many questions, not enough answers. Over this winter I
would talk with friends and they would, understandably and kindly, respond
with “You walked 700 miles, I couldn’t do that!” True, or maybe not true, but
this is what they believe about themselves, and me. If I could believe this as well there would be no problem. But, as I’ve stated before, it just wouldn’t stick.
I’ve continued to carry around this nagging sadness that would not go away, no
matter what I did. All around it’s been a tough winter.
Spring is here. The class of 2013 is hitting the trail and
they are doing much the same as I did last year. Feelings of hope, anxiety, excitement and
fear rule the day for most wanna-be thru hikers and I imagine there are lots of
these kinds of feelings floating around in the southern part of my state. While
I sit here in my hometown, many miles away and surrounded by green grass,
citrus trees and an ocean breeze, kindred spirits are moving north. I pull
weeds and they make miles. My thoughts are ever with them.
So I find myself asking, what are the qualities they have
that I don’t have? What could I have done differently? What is it? Why? How
come?
As I said, it’s been a very hard winter…
hey shelly, don't be so hard on yourself. the trail's still there - why not go do another chunk? you've got what it takes, you proved that by doing 700 miles. best cure for sadness is action ... you added so much to our enjoyment of the sections we met you on last year, class of 2013 will be blessed if you're out there with them too! tanya xx
ReplyDeleteThanks for your encouraging words Tanya. I'll be going out for a couple of weeks this summer but more than that isn't in the cards for this year. 2014....who knows? Maybe I'll be back on the PCT while you and Neil are hiking the CDT! If I do go back out I'll do it with more information about myself and what I might need to do so I can be successful (getting to Canada) this time around. Cheers, Shelly
DeleteHi Shelly, I don't know you, but I'm with Neil and Tanya. (I mean, I don't know them either. I just agree with them.) "Best cure for sadness is action..." I will remember that.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog and it's really honest and cool. I have a Santa Cruz website called Hilltromper (www.hilltromper.com). I would love to interview you about the PCT. What do you think? If you're interested, you can reach me at tracihukill (at) gmail (dot) com.
Traci
I remember when you came to Delta last year and told us all what you were setting out to do. Even if you didn't complete your goal you got quite far. Way farther than myself or any of my friends could have. Your an inspiration in working hard towards one's goals, even if you don't always reach your goal you still gain something from it all, do you not?
ReplyDeleteYou are right Sonic Storm. We don't always meet our goals and working hard doesn't always guarantee success. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try, eh? I thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I'll just bet you and your friends would have been at least as successful as I, probably more so. No matter what it was quite an experience. Thanks for taking the time to comment here. I appreciate it!
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